I've been wondering lately...

...why did I ever stop? Why did I have to? It never drove me as crazy as the problems going on now, and these current problems are making me want to carve words into my legs. It's ridiculous 'cause I always hating cutting my legs. It hurts too much. (Granted, I still have a bunch of scars on them.) But I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I can do this anymore. I want to cut, I want to burn, I want to hurt.
But I can't do that to everyone... Ugh. I just... I don't know how to deal with this. I need help with it, but I don't know where to go for help. It's been long enough that I'm no longer using the coping skills for stopping, they just don't work anymore. I need coping skills for not starting again. I don't have any, really. Though I'm starting to wonder if it's really worth it...

Is it? Is this recovered state I'm in really worth it? I want to see bandages, gauze, medical tape... I want to see stitches, blood, blisters, bite marks, bruises... But I can't. I'm going insane trying not to do something. It hurts too much.

My chest is killing me. I need help, so badly...
I need the hospital. ]:

Some lyrics and blogging to cheer me up...maybe.

I want to cut. It's all I can think of right now. Carve, carve those words into me. Slash and hack and die. I can't, though, can I? Nope, I can't. Great. I often wish I had never stopped... But that's silly of me. And that's only 'cause I've been suicidal lately, so... Yeah.
Eh, blogging is making it worse. I'll come back to this later.

Lyrics:
Paint yourself a picture
Of what you wish you looked like
Maybe then they just might
Feel an ounce of your pain

Come into focus
Step out of the shadows
It's a losing battle
There's no need to be ashamed

'Cause they don't even know you
All they see is scars
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart

Let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you've got
That you are not your skin, oh, oh

And when they start to judge you
Show them your true colors
And do unto others
As you'd have done to you

Just rise above this
Kill them with your kindness
Ignorance is blindness
They're the ones that stand to lose

'Cause they don't even know you
All they see is scars
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart

Let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you've got
That you are not your skin, oh

Well, they don't even know you
All they see is scars
And they don't see the angels
Living in your heart

So let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you've got
That you are not, you are not your skin, oh, oh 
-Skin by Sixx: A.M.

Letters to People #1

1:
I hate you. I hate the way you work, the way you tick. I hate how you attack me constantly. I hate you for everything you say to me. I'm a hypocrite in a sense, I know, but I just want to feel good about myself for once... You won't let me, though. Just let me be myself, let me trust in myself, let me believe that I'm beautiful - inside and out. Let me live my own fucking life.

2:
I can't believe you just up and dissed every little bit of me. Not just my body, but my own SELF. Every part of me, you had to go and say "isn't real," "doesn't exist for anyone," was a "lie," is "stupid" or "dumb" or "an exaggeration." I hate you so much, so, so much. I can't stand even your name anymore. And I thought we'd be best friends for as long as we talked... But no. And then you sent me that fake-as-all-hell "I'm sorry..." and I thought you honestly meant it. HA. What a fool I was! You turned around and did the same shitty thing all over again. I can't stand your fake, two-faced ass! You really make me upset. You were the "best friend" who "understood everything" and would "listen" to me. I should've known that that wasn't true when you totally blew off my confession about the past things that happened and went straight to your own sorry self.
Ugh, you piss me off!

3:
I want you to know that I love you, more than anything, but I feel like I'm constantly annoying you. It's almost never been something you said or did to make me believe that. It's always been me, me, me. I've always felt that I just bug the hell out of everyone, and I hate this feeling. I need to make this feel better before I can truly enjoy what we have with no limitations. But that doesn't mean I'm going to break up with you or anything again. I love you too much to hurt you that badly again. It's been four and a half years since the first time we started dating. I wish we had never taken that break, but it's my fault... All mine... I hate myself for that. I need you with me, near me, by me, living closer to me. You live 440 miles away, and I can't handle this "seeing each other once a year" thing anymore. You're going to be twenty early next year, and your dad is still an asshole about me. That's the wrong way around in the stereotypical world of "girl's father hates boyfriend, boyfriend's father just approves or disapproves." I mean, even my dad loves you. But your dad is an emotionally abusive douche who hates me and hurts you. I can't stand this anymore. I need you near me.. I miss you so terribly. And not being able to talk to you half of the time because of work and school? It tears me apart.
But now I'm getting off-topic. I just wish you could hear me tell you how everything I say that has ever hurt you has been based on me, NOT you. And the only reason I ever "doubt you" is because I'm truly doubting myself. I don't know how to tell you these things well enough.

I can't see the light...

There's no light at the end of the tunnel for me right now. I swear there isn't. I just want to carve horrible words into my legs, and I never, ever liked cutting my legs before. I have scars there, yeh, but I hated cutting them. It hurt like hell. "Fat." "Die." "Weak." "Stupid." "Ugly." "Bitch." "Slut."
I want all of them in my leg right now, bleeding and bleeding and bleeding until I no longer can handle the pain, and I just pass out.
I need help. I need to be in the hospital. But I'm scared. And I'm scared I won't make it until I'm able to be in the hospital. I don't have insurance right now because I had to drop bio, so now I'm not a full-time student (college sucks in that aspect) & have no insurance. Get this: I had to drop bio because we were using razors in almost every lab, and I was about to fail all of bio (not just the lab) because of it. Ironic, eh? And having to drop it caused me to lose my insurance, so now I can't get anyone to help with the suicidal thoughts and occasional planning. Plus, I am seeing an ED therapist and my regular therapist once a week, and I have group therapy once a week. What the hell am I supposed to do now, huh? I can't even go to motherfucking therapy the normal amount until next semester which is in, like, months and months! Shit...

I'm scared.

I can't cope.

I want to die.

Death... Death sounds too nice right now. Shit, what do I do about my psychiatrist? He has to fix my meds, but he costs a whole boatload of money if I don't have insurance! Dammit...

I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't.

It's not a normal day.

Not only has my dad left for something work-related (five days he'll be gone), but I feel so detached. Almost dissociative. It's strange because I haven't felt this way in a while. Then again, I have been abnormally suicidal since August or earlier, so maybe it's from that? I guess it's a sign I really should be going to the hospital for medication management and extra therapy support.
Damn you, eating disorder... You're totally fucking up my life. And none of my friends would believe I have an eating disorder, either, except maybe Angela, and I know Melodie does... Too fat too "look" like I have an eating disorder, any of them besides COE or BED. \: Screw them. I don't have any good friends, anyway, besides those two I just mentioned. ._. Not anymore... Ugh. That's so depressing.
I hate always feel like this. I really need to get my sorry ass into the hospital, but, but, but SCHOOL. Augh, what would I do?! DX At least math theory is over on Thursday, so maybe I can go then...?
I don't know. I'm so tired. Exhausted. I'm just wasting my time fighting.
But you know what? I need to keep up... I need to start working harder towards things. I just don't know how to do it while I'm, well, ME. Does that even make any sense? Like, I don't even know..

But one other thing: I haven't eaten much lately (except I've been drinking boatloads of coffee..) 'cause there's not much in this house I want to eat. Nothing I like. So that's the only reason I lost weight since yesterday instead of gaining some... Damn me...  \:

(I'm 165.4 lbs. now. ... |: ...
WHAT WAS I JUST AT?! OH, THAT'S FUCKING RIGHT. 131.2. WTFH HAPPENED THERE? THAT'S NOT EVEN FUCKING HEALTHY. THIS IS FREAKING ME OUT.)

I wish I could go back to the bulimic symptoms... \:


I've been wanting to carve words into my legs so badly. I couldn't talk to Vic last night because I was too busy thinking about it, so we had to get off. And I couldn't even tell him why... ]: What's wrong with me now...? ]':
I just want to cut. Cut, cut, cut, and salt & ice... Yep. Yeppers. Oh, and to top it off, I think I'll kill myself, 'kay? Ugh. No, I can't. I can't. I can NOT, no matter how much I don't trust anyone to truly love me or care about me.
Fuck it.

I want to be PERFECT. The kind of PERFECT I think is PERFECT.
...
I really hope I feel better soon. </3

((Current music: The Police. Silence, though, too...)