It's not a normal day.

Not only has my dad left for something work-related (five days he'll be gone), but I feel so detached. Almost dissociative. It's strange because I haven't felt this way in a while. Then again, I have been abnormally suicidal since August or earlier, so maybe it's from that? I guess it's a sign I really should be going to the hospital for medication management and extra therapy support.
Damn you, eating disorder... You're totally fucking up my life. And none of my friends would believe I have an eating disorder, either, except maybe Angela, and I know Melodie does... Too fat too "look" like I have an eating disorder, any of them besides COE or BED. \: Screw them. I don't have any good friends, anyway, besides those two I just mentioned. ._. Not anymore... Ugh. That's so depressing.
I hate always feel like this. I really need to get my sorry ass into the hospital, but, but, but SCHOOL. Augh, what would I do?! DX At least math theory is over on Thursday, so maybe I can go then...?
I don't know. I'm so tired. Exhausted. I'm just wasting my time fighting.
But you know what? I need to keep up... I need to start working harder towards things. I just don't know how to do it while I'm, well, ME. Does that even make any sense? Like, I don't even know..

But one other thing: I haven't eaten much lately (except I've been drinking boatloads of coffee..) 'cause there's not much in this house I want to eat. Nothing I like. So that's the only reason I lost weight since yesterday instead of gaining some... Damn me...  \:

(I'm 165.4 lbs. now. ... |: ...
WHAT WAS I JUST AT?! OH, THAT'S FUCKING RIGHT. 131.2. WTFH HAPPENED THERE? THAT'S NOT EVEN FUCKING HEALTHY. THIS IS FREAKING ME OUT.)

I wish I could go back to the bulimic symptoms... \:


I've been wanting to carve words into my legs so badly. I couldn't talk to Vic last night because I was too busy thinking about it, so we had to get off. And I couldn't even tell him why... ]: What's wrong with me now...? ]':
I just want to cut. Cut, cut, cut, and salt & ice... Yep. Yeppers. Oh, and to top it off, I think I'll kill myself, 'kay? Ugh. No, I can't. I can't. I can NOT, no matter how much I don't trust anyone to truly love me or care about me.
Fuck it.

I want to be PERFECT. The kind of PERFECT I think is PERFECT.
...
I really hope I feel better soon. </3

((Current music: The Police. Silence, though, too...)