There's no light at the end of the tunnel for me right now. I swear there isn't. I just want to carve horrible words into my legs, and I never, ever liked cutting my legs before. I have scars there, yeh, but I hated cutting them. It hurt like hell. "Fat." "Die." "Weak." "Stupid." "Ugly." "Bitch." "Slut."
I want all of them in my leg right now, bleeding and bleeding and bleeding until I no longer can handle the pain, and I just pass out.
I need help. I need to be in the hospital. But I'm scared. And I'm scared I won't make it until I'm able to be in the hospital. I don't have insurance right now because I had to drop bio, so now I'm not a full-time student (college sucks in that aspect) & have no insurance. Get this: I had to drop bio because we were using razors in almost every lab, and I was about to fail all of bio (not just the lab) because of it. Ironic, eh? And having to drop it caused me to lose my insurance, so now I can't get anyone to help with the suicidal thoughts and occasional planning. Plus, I am seeing an ED therapist and my regular therapist once a week, and I have group therapy once a week. What the hell am I supposed to do now, huh? I can't even go to motherfucking therapy the normal amount until next semester which is in, like, months and months! Shit...
I'm scared.
I can't cope.
I want to die.
Death... Death sounds too nice right now. Shit, what do I do about my psychiatrist? He has to fix my meds, but he costs a whole boatload of money if I don't have insurance! Dammit...
I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't.
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